Tag Archives: insecure

Self Esteem

Self Esteem and Confidence

The lack of a healthy self esteem is a dead weight on your life.  It’s like dragging around an anchor,  and it relegates you to the dark shadows of existence.

Low esteem is simply a self created falsehood.  Plain and simple.  Unless you are a truly bad person (i.e., murderer, child abuser and the like) you are an important, valued human being.

The problem is you have let others or importantly, your perception, make you feel worthless.

Origins

The origin of such misplaced feelings of inadequacy, are varied (cruel treatment as a child, lack of support, embarrassment over a physical state, failure on a large stage…)  However, let’s not confuse these feelings with the reality that you are a special, unique person who adds to the vibrancy of the universe and is entitled to participate fully in life.

Let’s play devil advocate; Someone or group thinks you are stupid, not wealthy, incompetent, ugly, overweight, boring etc.

So f-ing what? You still have to get up in the morning, live your life, go to work etc.

Tell Them To Go to Hell

Can’t you muster the will to blow these people off? Remember you may think you are the center of their thoughts but I can guarantee that you are not.  If someone is rude or embarrasses you, rest assured you will be the only person thinking about it an hour later.

The perpetrator will go on as if nothing happened, forgetting or not even realizing what they may have done.  You must get past it as soon as possible.  Dwelling on it will doom you.

Fears Become Monsters

The fears and nervousness we all feel will be virtually impossible to overcome without the confidence in ourselves that comes with having a positive image of ourselves.

Steps to Take

Stop with the negativity! Self criticism is bad!  Negative thoughts have a way of feeding on themselves, growing something minor into a major issue.

Everyone has good traits, talk up your small successes to yourself  and build upon them.  Don’t allow yourself to define yourself by external forces (maybe you are stuck in a crummy job, or are unemployed, have no fashion sense, are out of physical shape, etc…)

These things have nothing to do with who you really are as a person.

You must look beyond any criticism that anyone levels at you or that you hear whispering in your own head! Start believing in yourself, you will be amazed at how life will change!

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Filed under confidence, criticism, improvement, self esteem, Uncategorized

Danger of Insecurity

Insecurity!

We all feel insecure at times.  Sometimes it may be a new situation or environment which leads to a sense of insecurity.  However, I want to focus on those deeper rooted feelings that we may not be good enough.  This lack of self worth expresses itself as insecurity.

Bogs You Down

The manifestation of insecurity is truly an anchor.  It prevents us from living a full, normal life.  Feelings of insecurity usually result in a socially isolated life and in extreme forms can produce paranoia.

Feelings of self doubt are crippling.  Even if we are prepared to execute something we can easily do, we can be tripped up by self doubt.

Don’t confuse unpreparedness, which causes nervous doubt but is limited to a specific event, for insecurity.

Relationships

Feelings of insecurity impacts relationships negatively.  If we don’t have a good self image it makes a having good relationship difficult. If we don’t love ourselves (warts and all), how can we love another person?

Roots of Insecurity Are Multi-Faceted

There are many causes and theories of how one becomes burdened with insecurity, such as a terrible childhood or subjection to bullying.  However, I am not a therapist and though it may be helpful to unearth the root cause, I would rather focus on an acknowledgement of insecurity, moving forward to chip away at it.

Insecurity can be overcome or mitigated.  It may take time and patience but the rewards are huge and must be pursued.  You can balance an acknowledgement of any shortcomings you may have (while working to improve them) but still believe and recognize your own self worth.

Don’t confuse, for example a lack of education, or physical awkwardness with your value as a person.  The world is filled with smart, athletic, successful individuals who are terrible people.  Our culture elevates someone with Hollywood good looks, tons of money or possesses some talent.  However, those superficial attributes are just a tiny slice of each of us.

You are important and valuable. You have as much to contribute as anyone else on the planet. Some may be able to express themselves or a point of view easier than you, but that does not make what they say or believe any more valuable than your views.  Don’t let yourself get caught up with what other people may or may not think of you.  Being a selfless, humble, honest, loving individual is the true measure of a ‘valuable’ person and in the end the only thing that counts.


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Filed under Blog, criticism, improvement, insecurity, pride

Class Warfare – Occupy Wall Street?

We are in a dangerous period in America.  The pitiful state of the economy has exposed a volatile split in the way people view the current state of our nation.

This split is now being exploited and inflamed by politicians who believe they can somehow benefit from the anger and protests.

I realize there is tremendous anger towards what is called Wall Street.  Some of it is justified, they took big risks, get crazy bonuses and some firms got bailed out by the taxpayers.

Although it sounds good to blame our current economic straits on Wall Street, they didn’t crater the economy alone, there are others who contributed significantly – the Government – who pushed bankis to lend to people who could not afford to own a home, thousands of government regulators who failed to do their job, borrowers who hoped to flip the properties they bought for a quick profit, and people who simply lived beyond their income levels, using the equity in their homes like a piggy bank and maxing out their credit cards.

Does it make sense to target what people call Wall Street?  I don’t think so, we need the banking system, it acts like a utility.  Without electric for example, we cannot do much and without a sound financial system we are dead in the water. Also let’s not forget that for every CEO or hot shot trader making ten million dollars a year, there are thousands of hardworking employees making normal salaries.

There is enough blame to go around but the question is where do we go from here?

We can never achieve anything if we are pitted against each other.  Targetting those who have acheived some measure of success is a zero sum game.  I find it interesting that the finger is pointed at Wall Street excesses, but no complains when dysfunctional Hollywood actors get thirty million dollars a picture.  Are we also going to attack athletes who make tens of millions? Or how about Google, Facebook, Apple etc whose founders make zillions.  Do they make too much?

Whether the compensation is fair or not is not the question, its the system we have.  I don’t agree with the crazy money some make, but why are we wasting time attacking them.  It is called capitalism and it is the best system by far.   Occupy Wall Street and its supporters don’t like the bailouts (and neither do I) but bailouts are a type of Socialism not capitalism! Government intervention in the private sector is definitely a part of the problem.

A point that the Occupy Wall Street crowd claims is that no one makes it alone, that America provides the infrastructure, system (capitalism by the way) and education.  True to a small degree, but lets not forget that these things were built and supported with your tax dollars.

Americans have always been able to come together against an external threat or problem that needs solving.  Yes, we do have a terrible habit of waiting till the water level reaches our noses before acting, but I fear we are losing our ability to pull together and get problems solved.  It appears we have turned into a nation of blame placers.

We can never be the great country we have been with only half the people in the game.  Protests are fine but should not inconvenience people, hurt local business, destroy property and obscure the real problems.

Instead of these silly protests, why don’t people present detailed written proposals with solutions and start doing the hard work to get America back to the top!

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Filed under Blog, Class Warfare, criticism, Occupy Wall Street, Wall Street

Why be Loyal? Key to Relationships

Key to Relationships and Happiness 

Loyalty can be expressed in many forms, to a brand, company, family or person.

We hear people professing their loyalty to products or brands,  “I only shop at Saks” or “I’m hooked on Apple” etc. but the most important expression of loyalty is the type shown to other people.

Being loyal to others is a fundamental ingredient to having integrity.  You simply cannot have integrity by acting in self interest.

False professions

Often times we profess our loyalty but abandon others  whenever that loyalty comes with a cost to ourselves.  People make promises and commitments to others but break them.

This evidences a total lack of loyalty.  At times legitimate issues prevent us from honoring a committment. Thats ok as long as we take the time to explain the reason we can’t live up to our commitments.  We all know people who always have ready excuses but anyone who contiually disappoints another lacks loyalty and integrity.

Dependable

We need to be loyal to our friends and families who need and rely on us, if only for support or company.

Even when some other opportunity presents itself we must keep our commitment. That is the ultimate expression of loyalty, putting yourself behind the needs or expectation of someone else.

Its central to your integrity and connected directly to unselfishness.

Believe it or not it is personally rewarding to honor your commitments!

Loyal to a Fault

As with most things there can be a downside to loyalty when we remain blindly loyal to someone to their detriment.  Protecting some one under the guise of loyalty when their behavior is destructive is unacceptable.

In that case true loyalty and love would demand that we stop enabling and approving of the behavior and help them seek the help they need.

Don’t Break the Trust

Can you be trusted with loyalty? Can you be counted on?

Loyalty –  the elixir for healthy relationships!

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Filed under Blog, improvement, integrity, Loyalty, success

Cycle of Poverty Destroys Self Esteem in Children

Break the children poverty cycle and strengthen self esteem. We need a fresh approach on a subject with big upside on a humanitarian and economic basis.

A prior post cited the depressing stats the impact the current state of economic affairs is having on many children & families.   http://danpetrosini.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/children-at-risk/

Worse than it seems

The problem is much bigger than it seems.  The impact dramatically multiplies as over time these children have their own children who are likely to get stuck in a cycle of poverty and dependency.

It’s a complicated issue that’s been with us for decades.  Unfortunately, the many programs the government created have done nothing to slow its growth, in fact the problem has increased, despite of their efforts.

Corrosive to Self Esteem

The government’s and some well intended organizations approach is dead wrong. Providing shelter and food, while worthwhile endeavors in the short term, actually breed a mentality that support comes from the outside.

A life of dependency leaves no room for a healthy self esteem.  In order to feel good about yourself and face life’s challenges confidently you must learn to stand on your own two feet.

Radical Solution?

A successful approach is one where assistance has strings attached.  Rather than a pure hand out, connect positive actions to continued support! Is that radical??

Why does the government hand out 99 weeks of unemployment without requiring the people to do something!  If some of the unemployed have outdated or poor skills, require them to take training to upgrade or acquire a skill.  Why not??? Nothing else is working!

Examples the Current approach does not work

When Welfare for Work (Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Act) was introduced, (requiring recipients to work and capping benefits at five years etc..) poverty and welfare rates DROPPED!

Larry Summers, the former economic adviser to Obama, studied unemployment http://www.econlib.org/library/Enc/Unemployment.html : proving that long term unemployment benefits actually INCREASE the unemployment rate.  Wish he’d said something while at the White House!

Solutions?

This is a giant complex problem that a single solution cannot address.  It is easier but expensive, to just provide benefits to people in need and feel we are doing something.   Its simply not effective.

Truly helping the people who need it and are caught in a cycle of poverty and welfare is hard work.  It involves changing ingrained behaviors and building self esteem.  Not easy, ask any parent!

Approach is Critical

The task can seem overwhelming, discouraging attempts to do something.

We need to approach it by realizing that if we change one life, its a huge victory, with the bonus its saving their offspring and their offspring etc!

The types of agendas I suggest require intensive, comprehensive programs to change ingrained behavior.  Most of the people with dependent lives did not have the benefit of support (parents, families).  We need to teach them the set of life skills they need to be independent productive citizens.

It isn’t cheap but the alternative cost is much higher.  If you can’t justify it on a moral basis (I had to work etc…) think of it on an economical basis.

I recognize this is complicated issue with various roots of cause, but we must start somewhere and chip away at this critical problem.

Here is a link to Manna House, a local grassroots organization making an impact along these lines.

http://mannahouseonline.com/

(Does this ring a bell? – You can give someone fish or teach them how to fish)

Love to hear from you on it!

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Filed under Blog, Children and poverty

Confidence – Self Esteem – How to get it.

Are we born with it?

It seems like some people have always been brimming with confidence.  This can be frustrating and especially intimidating for those who lack confidence.

How is it that possible?

There are many reasons why some have self esteem levels that help them socially and in their pursuits.  (maybe they were properly nurtured in something, excelled as a result and built on it or maybe they simply didn’t get crushed by some coach or teacher… or even parent).

Get Over it, we are where we are!

Everyone has the capacity to lead a ‘fearless’ life.  It is NEVER too late to change or learn, the fact is you have a simple choice – either sit in the background or do something about it.

Building confidence in life or an activity is similar to gaining any other skill, you gotta work at!

Being nervous is natural.

First off, a good dose of ‘false confidence’ is needed in your tool box.  What I mean by that is the ability to fake it, putting aside your fear/shyness/discomfort etc., temporarily suspending it!  I know you cannot just wish it away but you can acknowledge it and not let it cripple you.

As a quick experiment, observe your own thoughts.  ‘Separate’ yourself from your thoughts, sounds silly?  It is easy to do and can help you acknowledge your ‘fear’ but not be consumed by it.

No, they’re not super-human!

You are not alone, I was struck by what the great Luciano Pavarotti said when questioned about performing for decades and how natural and happy he seemed being on stage, the great Pavarotti said anyone who says they are not nervous when performing is lying.  Or how about Michael Caine, who inspite of acting for over 60 years, said he still vomits before going on stage!

Do something!  Now!

Acknowledge you have some work to do in an area you want to improve upon or participate in,  then commit to doing it, these are the first steps in a journey to get where you want to be.

I will have a follow up on this.

Please give me your thoughts and comments, if prefer not to be public just state so and they will not be published.

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Children at risk!

The length and depth of the current recession, its NOT over yet, is creating a level of homelessness for children that is unprecedented.  Persistent high unemployment, much higher than the government claims (but thats another subject) has put millions, yes millions of children in danger.

It’s been reliably estimated that 2 million children have been thrown into poverty as providers have lost their jobs during the economic downturn.   The  long term effects of this terrible consequence will be felt for at least a generation.

A 60 Minutes segment (dated 3/6/11) was a heart tugging warning of the danger children who become homeless are in.  The segment touched the issue of insecurity I have written about in previous blogs and in my latest book Ambition Cliff.  Insecurity is one of the ills (malnutrition, poor education are just two others)  these children will carry during their lifetimes.  Insecurity will permeate every decision they make, inhibiting their ability to reach their full potential.

This may seem a distant problem to those unaffected but the consequences are not limited to these poor kids, the reality is we all will be negatively impacted by it.

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Addiction – Abandonment

The link between addition (alcohol/drug/abuse)

and abandonment screams out!  The genesis of many

addictions is rooted in familial or relationship

breakup.  The deep scars inflicted by the abandomnent

cause many to look for solace in drugs or alcohol

However, any relief is temporary as the user inevitably

ups the ante till they lose control.  Breakups will always

occur but the need to manage the relationships

involved (young children especially) is critical to

their future functionality.

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Ambition Cliff

Who hasn’t felt insecure? Most of the people we see every day put on a show looking like self assured individuals. even the clowns in hollywood and the sports world fight for acceptance. With that as a baseline imagine those whose insecurity is justifiably highlighted by abandonment or abuse. How does that affect our lives?

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