Tag Archives: self esteem

Breakfast of Champions or Food Poison? Feedback Can Crush or Build Confidence

Words are powerful

Criticism or Feedback are powerful.  We all know the term constructive criticism, the problem is we rarely practice it.  Its unfortunate, as criticism is necessary to grow in any endeavor.

Breakfast of Champions or Food Poisoning?

Proper feedback from a coach, teacher, friend, co-worker, client etc is an invaluable tool to improvement.  If the feedback is given constructively and and delivered in a caring manner, the recipient will incorporate it, using the suggestion to achieve their goals.  This type of criticism is what has been called the Breakfast of Champions.  Those open to constructive criticism ‘eat’ the feedback and improve!     Those that shut it out, struggle or fail, its that essential!

On the other hand, criticism can be poisonous.  Belittling, negative feedback is unquestionably destructive!  Sorry, but even if it is well intended and meant to help, it hurts!  Very few people are truly motivated by being humiliated.  We must ‘restrain’ our judgmental tendencies and craft our interaction in a way that is helpful.  Just think how nice a world this would be if we can give and receive this type of support.

Why good teachers/rare impact

Invariably, anyone who achieves a level of accomplishment in anything, 9sports, arts, business, etc.0  has had a memorable teacher, coach, mentor or guide.

The impact they have in nurturing a pursuit cannot be overstated.  The feedback they dispense is always framed positively,  meant to support the individual on their journey.  Good deliverers balance the criticism, offering praise for any progress, no matter how small, while pointing to an area for improvement they know is within reach.

This is not to suggest that it is ok to mislead and be dishonest, but to recognize that people have different skill sets and learn at different paces. The key here is for the coach/teacher to determine that the person has the drive and will to do what is needed to achieve reasonable goals and working alongside, support their pursuit.

Do we enjoy judging?

The flip side is judgmental dismissal!  It seems many people relish in the harsh put down of others, cloaking it as criticism or being ‘real’

Pure nonsense, that type of poisonous feedback not only disheartens but also erodes a person’s self esteem and confidence.

In some cases it causes a backlash, where a receiver shuts out the feedback and gives rise to animosity towards the person giving it.

Look for the positive

No one is an expert out of the box.  We need to look for the positive aspects of a person’s endeavor, even if its just their effort or interest, and praise that. Then we can craft ‘suggestions’ about how to improve, mindful of the damage or help it can render.

Try thinking of parenting as the ultimate feedback machine, it may help to soften the criticism we render.

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Cycle of Poverty Destroys Self Esteem in Children

Break the children poverty cycle and strengthen self esteem. We need a fresh approach on a subject with big upside on a humanitarian and economic basis.

A prior post cited the depressing stats the impact the current state of economic affairs is having on many children & families.   http://danpetrosini.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/children-at-risk/

Worse than it seems

The problem is much bigger than it seems.  The impact dramatically multiplies as over time these children have their own children who are likely to get stuck in a cycle of poverty and dependency.

It’s a complicated issue that’s been with us for decades.  Unfortunately, the many programs the government created have done nothing to slow its growth, in fact the problem has increased, despite of their efforts.

Corrosive to Self Esteem

The government’s and some well intended organizations approach is dead wrong. Providing shelter and food, while worthwhile endeavors in the short term, actually breed a mentality that support comes from the outside.

A life of dependency leaves no room for a healthy self esteem.  In order to feel good about yourself and face life’s challenges confidently you must learn to stand on your own two feet.

Radical Solution?

A successful approach is one where assistance has strings attached.  Rather than a pure hand out, connect positive actions to continued support! Is that radical??

Why does the government hand out 99 weeks of unemployment without requiring the people to do something!  If some of the unemployed have outdated or poor skills, require them to take training to upgrade or acquire a skill.  Why not??? Nothing else is working!

Examples the Current approach does not work

When Welfare for Work (Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Act) was introduced, (requiring recipients to work and capping benefits at five years etc..) poverty and welfare rates DROPPED!

Larry Summers, the former economic adviser to Obama, studied unemployment http://www.econlib.org/library/Enc/Unemployment.html : proving that long term unemployment benefits actually INCREASE the unemployment rate.  Wish he’d said something while at the White House!

Solutions?

This is a giant complex problem that a single solution cannot address.  It is easier but expensive, to just provide benefits to people in need and feel we are doing something.   Its simply not effective.

Truly helping the people who need it and are caught in a cycle of poverty and welfare is hard work.  It involves changing ingrained behaviors and building self esteem.  Not easy, ask any parent!

Approach is Critical

The task can seem overwhelming, discouraging attempts to do something.

We need to approach it by realizing that if we change one life, its a huge victory, with the bonus its saving their offspring and their offspring etc!

The types of agendas I suggest require intensive, comprehensive programs to change ingrained behavior.  Most of the people with dependent lives did not have the benefit of support (parents, families).  We need to teach them the set of life skills they need to be independent productive citizens.

It isn’t cheap but the alternative cost is much higher.  If you can’t justify it on a moral basis (I had to work etc…) think of it on an economical basis.

I recognize this is complicated issue with various roots of cause, but we must start somewhere and chip away at this critical problem.

Here is a link to Manna House, a local grassroots organization making an impact along these lines.

http://mannahouseonline.com/

(Does this ring a bell? – You can give someone fish or teach them how to fish)

Love to hear from you on it!

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Confidence of a Master

Some people seem born with talent.  Things come easy to these seeming unusually gifted folks. Musicians, artists, innovators etc..

They seem so natural, acting effortlessly as they engage in their vocation.

How to get that level of Mastery?

I had heard of the rule of mastery, what it takes to become a master at something, an expert, a real pro!

A number of interesting studies have looked at this fasincating subject.  What becomes clear is these exceptional acheivers, ‘magically‘ acquired their talents thru a combo of opportunity and time.

In example after example every expert ‘practiced’ their craft for at least 10,000 hours, a marker virtually guaranteeing a level of expertise.

Examples

A so called geek, Bill Gates, ‘practised his nerdiness, ad nasuem, logging thousands of hours in front of a monitor, testing and tinkering.  He had the good fortune to go to college where the equipment was available and took full advantage of it, applying himself till he fell asleep on the keyboard!

Beatles – I thought they were overnight sensations but the fact was they did several months long stints in Hamburg strip clubs where the sets of music required them to play for 10 hours or more a day. Forced to play together for so many hours led to the honing of their craft and a cohesive unit of musicians.

Tiger Woods – Not a fan but his dedication, hitting gold balls from dawn to dusk shows what it takes to get to the top.

John Coltrane – The tales of his continual practicing, 12 -1 4 hours a day are legendary.  He would even practice even between sets on a gig!

What does this tell us?

That a single minded, obsessive like quality, combined with opportunity equals the promised land of expertise!

Here are two books that discuss the issue at

length :

Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell

http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017922

& one by the famous neurologist Oliver Sacks http://www.oliversacks.com/books/musicophilia/

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Confidence – Self Esteem contd.

Keys to happiness and success?

Its not a panacea, as over confidence and a feeling you are too good have brought down many.  But I believe building self esteem holds some of the keys to success and happiness.

Where do we get some?

Feeling comfortable, a sense of confidence in your approach to life, is developed over time and experience.  Being open to life’s challenges and opportunities, pursuing them unabashedly with a measure of success is where it comes from.  Building on the successes (partial or total) in challenges you engage in, create a foundation to build on.  Its contagious and has a ‘multiplier’ effect.

Break it down!

Any skill we seek or goal we want to achieve is made infinitely easier by recognizing it is a process and will take some time and dedication.

If we want to quit smoking we can go ‘cold turkey’, difficult for many, or use another approach.  Outright quitting creates a ton of pressure and elevates the ‘spotlight’ in your circle of acquaintances.

Why not try an approach of setting smaller goals, that are achievable.

Try a strict limitation – a cigarette an hour or no smoking before lunch or after dinner etc.  You get the idea! After you have sucessfully met that challenge move the ‘bar’ higher – a cigarette every two hours – no smoking till 2 pm – etc..

You have reduced the difficulty and can use the success achieved at lower barriers to reinforce your ability to do it.

Break it down!, this applies to everything, everything, everything !  (sports, academia, arts, physical fitness…) making progress is all that counts.  You measure and judge the success, NO ONE ELSE!

Enjoy the Journey!

An important lesson that I have learned, the hard way, is to enjoy the journey.  Focusing on your failures and distance to the goal is frankly exhausting and depressing.  Learn to be satisfied with the incremental progress you make, even if it leaves you far from the goal you have set.  It makes you happier, proud and keeps the fire burning to continue.

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Confidence – Self Esteem – How to get it.

Are we born with it?

It seems like some people have always been brimming with confidence.  This can be frustrating and especially intimidating for those who lack confidence.

How is it that possible?

There are many reasons why some have self esteem levels that help them socially and in their pursuits.  (maybe they were properly nurtured in something, excelled as a result and built on it or maybe they simply didn’t get crushed by some coach or teacher… or even parent).

Get Over it, we are where we are!

Everyone has the capacity to lead a ‘fearless’ life.  It is NEVER too late to change or learn, the fact is you have a simple choice – either sit in the background or do something about it.

Building confidence in life or an activity is similar to gaining any other skill, you gotta work at!

Being nervous is natural.

First off, a good dose of ‘false confidence’ is needed in your tool box.  What I mean by that is the ability to fake it, putting aside your fear/shyness/discomfort etc., temporarily suspending it!  I know you cannot just wish it away but you can acknowledge it and not let it cripple you.

As a quick experiment, observe your own thoughts.  ‘Separate’ yourself from your thoughts, sounds silly?  It is easy to do and can help you acknowledge your ‘fear’ but not be consumed by it.

No, they’re not super-human!

You are not alone, I was struck by what the great Luciano Pavarotti said when questioned about performing for decades and how natural and happy he seemed being on stage, the great Pavarotti said anyone who says they are not nervous when performing is lying.  Or how about Michael Caine, who inspite of acting for over 60 years, said he still vomits before going on stage!

Do something!  Now!

Acknowledge you have some work to do in an area you want to improve upon or participate in,  then commit to doing it, these are the first steps in a journey to get where you want to be.

I will have a follow up on this.

Please give me your thoughts and comments, if prefer not to be public just state so and they will not be published.

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Children at risk!

The length and depth of the current recession, its NOT over yet, is creating a level of homelessness for children that is unprecedented.  Persistent high unemployment, much higher than the government claims (but thats another subject) has put millions, yes millions of children in danger.

It’s been reliably estimated that 2 million children have been thrown into poverty as providers have lost their jobs during the economic downturn.   The  long term effects of this terrible consequence will be felt for at least a generation.

A 60 Minutes segment (dated 3/6/11) was a heart tugging warning of the danger children who become homeless are in.  The segment touched the issue of insecurity I have written about in previous blogs and in my latest book Ambition Cliff.  Insecurity is one of the ills (malnutrition, poor education are just two others)  these children will carry during their lifetimes.  Insecurity will permeate every decision they make, inhibiting their ability to reach their full potential.

This may seem a distant problem to those unaffected but the consequences are not limited to these poor kids, the reality is we all will be negatively impacted by it.

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Addiction – Abandonment

The link between addition (alcohol/drug/abuse)

and abandonment screams out!  The genesis of many

addictions is rooted in familial or relationship

breakup.  The deep scars inflicted by the abandomnent

cause many to look for solace in drugs or alcohol

However, any relief is temporary as the user inevitably

ups the ante till they lose control.  Breakups will always

occur but the need to manage the relationships

involved (young children especially) is critical to

their future functionality.

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Ambition Cliff

Who hasn’t felt insecure? Most of the people we see every day put on a show looking like self assured individuals. even the clowns in hollywood and the sports world fight for acceptance. With that as a baseline imagine those whose insecurity is justifiably highlighted by abandonment or abuse. How does that affect our lives?

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